Romance system Chapter-1
School is the worst place for people like me. Having to constantly study for these annoying hard classes and having little to no free time is unheard of. Being 16 and in highschool is the worst. After getting up and finally leaving my Spanish class, I hurry to the bus. Sitting next to one of my only friends, Josh.
“Did you also fail that Spanish test,?” Josh says with sorrow.
“Yeah, fuck that teacher all the material wasn’t even on the god damned study guide”
“I can’t even fathom half the shit on that test,” I say
“Who the hell cares, we’re finally going on winter break, worry about it when you get back,” he says while taking a sigh.
Honestly I completely relate to Josh, once a break finally comes by all I can think about is playing gsco all day. Wasting so many hours on these fps games are just so much fun. Granted it doesn’t really help me much with the ladies but it doesn’t really matter. With as much free time I get, I deserve to be able to spend it for my self playing games.
As the bus finally sped off Josh and I continued to laugh at wikwak. As we scroll to the next video we feel the bus swerve.
“HOLY SHIT,” A kid exclaims.
I wonder what’s going on as I sit up in my seat. I look out the window and a 16 wheeler completely flipped over hurls over towards our bus. I think to myself as I finally had time to take a break and play my games.
“Shit, this is how my lame as life ends”
(Hard to understand conversation)
“I can’t believe you accidentally sent a freight truck at that bus,” a beautiful woman states
“It was an accident and you know it” a younger more petite woman shouts
“Both, of you need to move on and let’s just deal with this bullshit!” a warrior looking woman yells
(Protagonists POV)
“Did I hit my head or something” I say
I honestly couldn’t even remember who I was at this point. What is this place? Who am I? What was I doing before this? So many questions but yet no answers.
I pause due to sheer amount of beautiful woman I had seen. I had remember seeing many women before, but none could compare to the impeccable beauty these three women had shown.
“You know we can listen to your thoughts you pervert,” the little one states
“Where the hell am I?” I question
“Sorry for the rudeness of Uphraite she is quite undisciplined …
You have died and have entered the realm of the Gods!,”
LOL what the hell. What kind of anime, Sci-fi bullshit is this, what next are they gonna say I’m going to be reincarnated into some fantasy world.
“That’s exactly right you stupid bimbo,” Uphraite states.
“Seriously there is no way this happening” I sigh
Discussion (2)
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Discussion (2)
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xdSeahorse Post author Mid
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Justice This is going to be a harsh but fair review of your chapter.
The opening is no good regarding introducing characters or setting. All the reader is introduced to is a crass 16-year-old, assumed to be male. Your details did not state if the protagonist was a male or female. We know Josh is male, but who is the protagonist? What do they look like?
Visuals. Since the student protag is angry at their Spanish teacher, why not do some banter back and forth with Josh? Ex: “The teacher is bald and that’s how you’ll look someday.” It’s a good way of describing the character’s features and a natural way of pointing them out to the reader by the characters.
Location. Is this America or X country? If in America, you can comment on why American schools are some of the worse in the world and its because of people like Spanish teacher X gives tests on stuff that wasn’t in the study guide.
Unlikable characters. There isn’t enough content to fostering caring about the characters and what content is provided suggest these aren’t exactly good people in the first place. Since being a gamer, give hints or have a brief discussion with Josh or protag can monologue about their gameplay style. Revealing how a character plays a game or what type of class they prefer can hint to the reader their general personality and what to expect. Paragon or Rogue? Tank or wizard? Medic or support.
Environment. Have your character look out of the bus windows, seeing the school they hate disappear as the bus drives off. Make remarks about how old the school is and they should tear it down because it doesn’t have AC or probably has asepsis. Have them comment on the countryside or city view. Have Josh and protag see a pretty girl out there and they press themselves against the window to get a better look. Then you can have random female student sitting in front of them comment about them being gross or remark: “Boys…”
Profanity. While such talks are normal for youth in general, it doesn’t carry over well at the start of the story. It should also be used sparingly and with cause.
Punctuation. Commas, periods. Missing. In the wrong spot. Not hard to correct.
Comments are closed.
Mid
This is going to be a harsh but fair review of your chapter.
The opening is no good regarding introducing characters or setting. All the reader is introduced to is a crass 16-year-old, assumed to be male. Your details did not state if the protagonist was a male or female. We know Josh is male, but who is the protagonist? What do they look like?
Visuals. Since the student protag is angry at their Spanish teacher, why not do some banter back and forth with Josh? Ex: “The teacher is bald and that’s how you’ll look someday.” It’s a good way of describing the character’s features and a natural way of pointing them out to the reader by the characters.
Location. Is this America or X country? If in America, you can comment on why American schools are some of the worse in the world and its because of people like Spanish teacher X gives tests on stuff that wasn’t in the study guide.
Unlikable characters. There isn’t enough content to fostering caring about the characters and what content is provided suggest these aren’t exactly good people in the first place. Since being a gamer, give hints or have a brief discussion with Josh or protag can monologue about their gameplay style. Revealing how a character plays a game or what type of class they prefer can hint to the reader their general personality and what to expect. Paragon or Rogue? Tank or wizard? Medic or support.
Environment. Have your character look out of the bus windows, seeing the school they hate disappear as the bus drives off. Make remarks about how old the school is and they should tear it down because it doesn’t have AC or probably has asepsis. Have them comment on the countryside or city view. Have Josh and protag see a pretty girl out there and they press themselves against the window to get a better look. Then you can have random female student sitting in front of them comment about them being gross or remark: “Boys…”
Profanity. While such talks are normal for youth in general, it doesn’t carry over well at the start of the story. It should also be used sparingly and with cause.
Punctuation. Commas, periods. Missing. In the wrong spot. Not hard to correct.