Discussion (1)
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Justice I’m going to be very harsh in this review. Please keep in mind this is not meant as an offense but an opportunity to help you grow as a writer.
It is very difficult to follow along with how this story is written. You have internal monologuing, third person action statements, and dialogue all bunched together with little to no proper punctuation. This story needs serious editing.
1. Dialogue is punctuated with double quotation marks.
2. This is author’s preference, but most internal monologuing is italicized. I’ve also seen usage of single quotation marks largely used for this as well. Brackets are used for add-on information for the reader to digest.
3. Establish to the reader if this story is third or first person and stick with it. Bouncing around between the two within sentences made for frustrating reading. Large sections of story can flip perspective but never sentence to sentence.Chapters are too short. This is an opinion observation based upon my own experiences, but you are rushing to get to the end. Slow down and add flavor to the meat that is your story. Add substance to the world you are introducing to the reader. I cannot connect to the hero nor care about his situation for as fast as this story went.
Your opening paragraph establishes your protagonist is in a happy romantic relationship. Great. She is sitting on his lap. Great. He is letting her win at a game. Great. What else? By the time the action kicks in leading to the girl’s death, this is all a reader has to work with. Frankly, I don’t care that she is dead because I don’t know who she is. Who is she? How did these two hook up? Childhood friends? Is she the prettiest girl on the block or school and our hero is lucky to have her? I’m assuming they are teens and not adults based on context clues. Establish a connection that is lasting. I want to love her too (as a character).
Give more breathing space on their domestic life so it can be impactful to the reader when shattered by the demon attack.
I stopped at the end of chapter one.Take what you can or not from my review. Use it as experience to grow your skills as a writer. Its good that you have a story and sharing it, but remember the world created inside your head isn’t something a reader is privileged to. Craft a masterpiece with your words so that we may see this world of yours and enjoy it as well.
Comments are closed.
I’m going to be very harsh in this review. Please keep in mind this is not meant as an offense but an opportunity to help you grow as a writer.
It is very difficult to follow along with how this story is written. You have internal monologuing, third person action statements, and dialogue all bunched together with little to no proper punctuation. This story needs serious editing.
1. Dialogue is punctuated with double quotation marks.
2. This is author’s preference, but most internal monologuing is italicized. I’ve also seen usage of single quotation marks largely used for this as well. Brackets are used for add-on information for the reader to digest.
3. Establish to the reader if this story is third or first person and stick with it. Bouncing around between the two within sentences made for frustrating reading. Large sections of story can flip perspective but never sentence to sentence.
Chapters are too short. This is an opinion observation based upon my own experiences, but you are rushing to get to the end. Slow down and add flavor to the meat that is your story. Add substance to the world you are introducing to the reader. I cannot connect to the hero nor care about his situation for as fast as this story went.
Your opening paragraph establishes your protagonist is in a happy romantic relationship. Great. She is sitting on his lap. Great. He is letting her win at a game. Great. What else? By the time the action kicks in leading to the girl’s death, this is all a reader has to work with. Frankly, I don’t care that she is dead because I don’t know who she is. Who is she? How did these two hook up? Childhood friends? Is she the prettiest girl on the block or school and our hero is lucky to have her? I’m assuming they are teens and not adults based on context clues. Establish a connection that is lasting. I want to love her too (as a character).
Give more breathing space on their domestic life so it can be impactful to the reader when shattered by the demon attack.
I stopped at the end of chapter one.
Take what you can or not from my review. Use it as experience to grow your skills as a writer. Its good that you have a story and sharing it, but remember the world created inside your head isn’t something a reader is privileged to. Craft a masterpiece with your words so that we may see this world of yours and enjoy it as well.