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Bending Planes Chapter 1 – Those who live in the dark
The first chapter to a light novel that I am writing. Hope you all like it. Also, English isn't really my first language. I like to think I am fairly proficient in it, but I tend to make a lot of mistakes, here and there. So excuse me, if I have any grammatical or sentence structure errors. I didn't really recheck it as many times for grammar.
Anyways, Happy reading! Do let me know how you all find it.
- Abhinav
Wow. Very impressive story. Its not even worth noting that English isn’t your first language. There were minor punctuation errors but nothing impairing the reading experience.
Your story starts out like a teen drama flick. It doesn’t read like a light novel. Honestly, I thought this was going to led to a teen pregnancy story when they were leaving the party. Outside of your story tag, nothing screamed fantasy until the latter part of the chapter.
Characters are excellent. They come off as real and rowdy teenagers just wanting to have some fun at a party. Very easy to picture the environment. History of characters without bogging down the story progression. Well done. I also feel obligated to remind everyone not to drink and drive. Shame on Jeremy.
This is a credit to excellent writing abilities; your protagonist, Lily, is a very realistic and a believable character. Easily able to come across someone like this in real life. Problem is, I have run into women like this IRL. Its a fantastic character you have crafted but she is a character readers love to hate. She is condescending and obnoxious. What an awful person. True the alcohol was impairing her judgement, but it was plainly obvious she was aware it was going to happen if she drank and did so anyways. I can’t stand chicks like this. As a reader, I will accept only two outcomes: Lily does a total 180 in personality because of her new circumstances or she ends up dead. Either outcome works for me.
Two suggestions after reading. Too many F-bombs. Its usage does make for very realistic lingo but as a reader, too much usage sours the story. Its best used sparingly for greater impact. Secondly, Jimmy and Jeremy have too similar of names. It did help that these characters were largely separated in the story but having so similar names can be confusing. Perhaps changing one of them to a name with a different starting letter?
Regardless, its a very entertaining story. I’m looking forward to what happens next even though I hate Lily as a person right now.